Sunday, 1/1/12: A New Year

If we’re friends on FB, you may remember that time I, for lack of a better term, lost my shit. For the first time in my life I truly felt betrayed and backed into a corner and literally out of control. I gave everything I had to something and it didn’t work out the way I hoped it would. I was devastated and angry and tired of being pushed around. Rather than handling that failure/defeat in a graceful way, I lashed out in hopes of hurting someone to the extent I’d been hurt myself. It felt damn good at the time, and I won’t say I regret it, but I’ve been hiding behind that anger at another person rather than taking time to really heal. 2011 was  a year of purging for me – I took myself out of two loving-turned-toxic relationships. It was hard and it hurt. And I was angry at these people because I felt taken advantage of and marginalized and betrayed. Both my best friend and my boyfriend had hurt me in ways that I couldn’t forget or forgive, so I cut them out of my life in drastic ways. All year I patted myself on the back for cutting negative energy out of my life … but I remained angry. I’m still angry. I got rid of the sources of my anger, but I didn’t get rid of the anger, instead I internalized it and have been carrying it around with me all year. It’s hard not to be when you’re hurt. But anger isn’t healing; it’s only one step on the path to recovery. Beyond that is forgiveness – of others but also of myself. The betrayals I felt were products of my own actions. The BF and the BFF aren’t bad people, they’re just people. They may have acted in ways I felt were selfish and did things that hurt me, but only because I let them. I put myself into the boyfriend situation over and over again. Knowing what he was capable of, I should’ve turned and run the first time instead of giving him chance after chance. I wanted so badly to believe the things he said that I ignored what I knew deep in my soul and I opened myself up to that final disaster that was the end of our relationship. The circumstances were slightly different with the BFF, but again, I let myself get into a toxic pattern with her rather than correcting my own behavior. In both situations, I held on to these pictures in my head of how things used to be or how I wanted things to be rather than changing and growing within those relationships and as an individual outside of them. This morning, I realized that on this path of positive energy I’ve chosen to walk down, anger has no place in my heart. I can’t keep carrying around this baggage of pain. I can’t spend another year mad at people for being themselves. And I can’t spend another year mad at myself for allowing them to hurt me. If 2011 was a year of purging, then 2012 has to be a year of forgiving and growing and being open. Without forgiveness, I can’t be open to the positive changes the universe has in store for me this year. So, here it is – I forgive past hurts, I forgive myself for the mistakes that led me down negative paths, I forgive myself for those two broken hearts. I’m finally ready to be a whole person again. This will be a year of positive action. I know my goals, I know what I want my life to feel like and I’m now in a place mentally/spiritually/emotionally where I’m ready to take that leap and pursue my dreams in a real and concrete way rather than being content with a state of stagnation and imagining. I’m lucky enough to be surrounded with positive people also active on the path to pursing their dreams, people I learn from everyday and people who are there to support me on my journey to wholeness – my teacher, my new age girl, my actor and my clients. This will be a good year.

Here’s to leaving the past in the past …

I gotta find a new solution
For all of the ghosts that keep haunting me
I gotta get some absolution
For all I failed to be

So here’s to the love
The love that we had
Here’s to the time
The good and the bad
Here’s to the ones you never forget
Here’s to the year that we had

And here’s to a bright, shiny new year …

I’ve got dreams for food and hope for drink
A new chance coming every time I blink
Sunset dripping off the thoughts I think
It’s a beautiful, beautiful day

Cheers and happy new year!

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2 Responses to Sunday, 1/1/12: A New Year

  1. Mom says:

    Such a smart girl. I am so proud of you and so grateful that you have such good people in your life. I love you bunches!

  2. Bex I am so proud of you and very happy to have you as a friend. You are such a beautiful person inside and out!

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